Been a while since I posted. I was “in the weeds” for a while, again. In a funk. Really stuck.
What the heck! Do I like it there in the weeds for crying out loud?!?
Could’ve been all the rain last month, and the stupid cold temperatures, (Not. Normal.) Could be I left my job last July and don’t know what the heck to do with myself 10 months later. Maybe it’s Donald Trump’s popularity. And, was mercury in retrograde?
Eventually, when I got quiet enough to listen, I realized that I was having symptoms of–drum roll please–stress.
I was a little embarrassed to have been roiling about in my misery all that time, only to come up with “stress” as the reason. It’s just not that interesting. So cliché.
But there it was, the truth of it. Stress. Light started to pierce the fog. I began to understand what to do. I started a list.
- Medical bills
- No job or direction
- Taxi-cabbing everyone everywhere
- A kid with some special needs
- Getting Mom into new house
- Concern for my dear husband’s job stress
- Worrying about my DH coping with physical changes caused by cancer
- Worsening physical problems of my own
- Me, not talking about it
- Me, not taking care of myself
The weather’s nicer now. Sunshine helps, especially if I actually go out in it. Exercize helps, too. (Dammit!) And naps. Eating real food. Meditation and prayer. I did more of all the above, but the very best help came from a friend, when we met for mini-golf and lunch.
I hadn’t been up for much socializing. My body was expressing my stress level, and I just had to do something. I really wanted to keep avoiding, stay right where I was in my my own little patch of yuck. And, weirdly, I also wanted to be not there. I didn’t know what to do with myself. But my friend did. She can reach that place where I curl up and hide, and she does it in the kindest, gentlest way. And, she hears from God.
It took me all the way through mini-golfing and most of the way through lunch before I blurted out, “I have been struggling.” Then this friend, a gifted, compassionate listener, did for me what I could not do for myself: led me out of the weeds.
Not for the first time, I quietly marveled at my impressive ability to hold onto dark, stinking thoughts, beliefs, and feelings so tightly, despite the misery they cause me. It’s a skill I developed a long time ago. And it no longer serves me.
During this time of transition–coming out of scary family medical issues, quitting my job, questioning my understanding of God’s place in the universe–I’ve prayed for help getting to the “next place,” wherever it is, whatever it needs to be. I naively thought that this wouldn’t take God very long. Ha! If you want to know who isn’t is in charge, just ask God to take you where you need to go. For me, I always get what I ask for, and it’s never in a way I expected. It’s actually better than I expect, every time.
My friend told me, in a nutshell, that:
- God’s crazy about me. In fact, God’s doing cartwheels because of me.
- God wants me to now enjoy the garden I sowed (the literal garden in my yard, and the one in my head–because they are now BLOOMING) when I was working through my struggles.
- God isn’t condemning me for struggling.
- God wants me to “get in the boat” with Him/Her and give Him/Her the oars. (Not the first time I’ve received that message…)
So, now that I’ve been reminded, I’m letting God’s universe of Love set me free every day. The worries do still nip at my heels. I fight fear and doubt daily. But, now, I’m sharing my struggles with people I trust. And you. Hope it helps.